I just realized Christmas is one week away and I’m nowhere near ready.  I’ve been walking in a weary wonderland while everyone else seems to be jolly AF.  I’m behind on gifts for just about everyone, behind on blog posts, behind on returning emails, behind on everything. And it’s left me feeling like, well, a behind.

I’ve tried to slow things down in the last few weeks but it’s been a challenge. MIH has taken over so much of my life. It’s thriving and growing and good things are happening. But I am tired, in my bones. Still, I can’t stop because there’s so much to be done, especially this time of year.

There are gifts I need to buy, blog posts I want to write, giveaways I want to do, friends I want to see, and parties I want to attend. And oh yeah, somewhere in there I want to do traditional holiday things with my daughter but I’m running out of time.

Do you ever feel like you’re working so hard to make your kids’ Christmas special that you forget to make it special for you BOTH? Can grown-ups write a letter to Santa? If so I’d like to request some Heather clones, all with my amazing wit of course, to help me get shit done in the next week.

It doesn’t help that as I get older I realize that there are certain parts of my personality and skill set that are changing. Little known fact about me, but I have knack for being efficient. Some might call it a little OCD when it comes to time management. I don’t know where this came from because Lord knows no one in my family is efficient. What’s happening now is that I’m getting weirdly overly efficient. Is that thing? Basically lately I calculate every move I need to make down to the T in order to get something done. Even if it takes me twice as long to come up with an efficient plan.

For example, I was cleaning off my dining room table yesterday and stood there for a few minutes while I organized the mail from things to keep to things to throw away and put them in one hand. Then I tucked a coffee cup under my arm, put a ribbon in my mouth, glasses on my head and stacked my laptop and phone in the other arm. I did all this so I would only have to make one trip across the house to all of the rooms to drop everything off. So I stood there for a good 5 minutes plotting out my one-trip packing scenario before actually clearing the table.

Am I nuts?

Don’t answer that. I know I’ve gone off the deep end.

Maybe it’s because I just turned 40, or maybe it’s because I haven’t had a day off in a month or maybe both. I just feel like there’s so much more I want to do but I can’t seem to keep my head above water. So I over plan. I plan down to the tiniest detail then find that I’ve spent so much time planning I’ve forgotten to be spontaneous and just do what I need to do.

I’m not sure why I do this or why it’s ramped-up lately. I think it’s a fear of losing time. That’s definitely been weight on my mind since my birthday. This weird feeling that time is running out so I have to make the best use of my time on earth while I’m here you know…before I croak. Ultimately I know there is nothing I can do about when I go, but there is something I can do with the time I’m here.

This shit just got real deep kids.

I’m weary and I need a break but there’s no break in sight. I’m pressing on as much as I can because this time next Christmas I want to be writing this blog post from my yacht in Hawaii. Or at least my timeshare in Reno. Either way you should know I’m going to write a list as soon as I’m done with this post that will plot out every last thing I need to do before Christmas and pray nothing slips through the cracks. So if you see me and I look more weary and haggard than usual, just know there is no rest for me. Send coffee.